An open letter to CBS:
What is it with car keys? They all have a chip in them these days — and I don’t mean a chocolate chip, which might come in handy on long drives if you don’t have a sour stomach all the time like I do. No, they have those modern computer chips, which means that every single time you misplace your keys in the icebox or behind the toilet, like we all do sometimes, you can’t just go to a hardware store to get a new copy made, even if you can find an actual hardware store anymore and not one of those do-it-yourself super chains like Home Depot where grown men walk around in aprons. Instead, you have to go to a dealership to get your key “programmed,” which is a fancy word for charging you an arm and a leg for something that once was inexpensive, just like greeting cards, which used to cost a nickel and were from husbands to their wives or children to their parents, but now cost five bucks and are in categories like To my yoga instructor on the death of his goldfish. Also, roses come in many colors, not just red, and violets aren’t blue at all. They’re purple. But what are you gonna do? I need a nap.