A few weeks ago, I suggested some reasons why Mitt Romney won’t release any more back tax returns — that they would reveal his real name is Tiffani, that his house is equipped with moneybag elevators, etc. A number of readers contended this was evidence of some supposed bias of mine against Republicans and other reactionary lunatics.

Several letter writers challenged me to prove my objectivity by doing a similar hit job on President Obama, who, they noted, hasn’t released his college transcripts.

Frankly, this seems to me a more excusable omission. College is a time for personal “experimentation,” which, in my case, was conducted on the scale of the Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory. I recently found my college transcript; it was so filled with “incompletes” and “withdrawals” that it might as well have noted that I majored in narcotics.

So, where’s the big, impending surprise? Academic records are always a little embarrassing for candidates. During the 2000 presidential primaries, it was revealed that Bill Bradley — Rhodes scholar, Princeton graduate, famously obnoxious know-it-all — had gotten a score of 485 out of 800 on the verbal portion of his SATs.As I wrote at the time, that’s roughly what a chicken would get, pecking at a keyboard.

●He took his junior year abroad in Ho Chi Minh City.

●He was president of the Foreign-Born Students Association.

●His senior thesis in economics, a new paradigm for wealth-distribution in America, was titled “Mugging Whitey.”

So, there you have it, conservative Web site: Send me my 20 grand, and I will send you the complete transcripts just as soon as your check clears.

E-mail Gene at weingarten@washpost.com.Find chats and updates at washingtonpost.com/magazine.